No Man’s Planet: Part One

“The Fall of Andromeda Seven”

“Hello and welcome to Andromeda Seven. Here, you can experience life as if you were part of the First World Society on Old Earth. You may experience fine delicacies such as soup, Cornwall, and carrots. We have a vast array of authentic settings in each region, where you can explore the arts of ancient surgery, public dining and Twitter.

We encourage visitors to remember this planet of historic fiction, and therefore all the wars depicted here are also fiction also. Andromeda Seven is a place of peace. And we share that peace to our visitors and residents. We are neutral territory and ask the equally respected factions to exclude us from the battlefield.”

*

            “Andromeda Seven isn’t a place of peace any more, soldier.” The Officer said.

The Soldier found himself with a ready loaded gun in his hand. This was the inevitable day he had dreaded for so long.

“They’re coming. And they’re not going to give up.”

            “But why are they coming here?” He said.  The Officer was walking at a pace so quickly he was stumbling over himself to keep up.

            “We are in the Central Zone. Listed as a No Man’s Planet. Whichever side claims us, claims an advantage: turn us into an artillery factory, breeding ground, whatever. We have to remain independent. We have to fight back.”

            “With bullets? I’m sorry ma’am but this weaponry is ancient.”

            “It’s all we have to fight against them. The guns, the bullets, and hope.”

            “What about President Thatcher?”

           

            “Political revolution. His authority is not recognised anymore. Not since his government lost Andromeda Five.’

A General entered, declaring with a calm but urgent voice that They were here. He had sweat on his brow and a tear on his cheek but the two were so well matched it was hardly noticeable.

He wiped his face with his cuff. The Soldier followed the Officer’s lead and closed his visor.

The three stepped out of the door and began firing.

An Amusing Musing... On Tea...

Things are rather quite weird when you come to think of it, aren’t they?

Let’s take tea for example.

People love it, people crave it, people are addicted to it.

But narrow it down and what do you have?

You pick a mug. People are funny when it comes to mugs. Some prefer a hefty candidate. Others prefer dainty little teacup, which a nice pattern and a specially sculpted handle. But everyone has a favourite.

You add the water. Probably recycled. Been through more people you care to think about.  If not, then it has spent it’s entire life trickling down a mountain or whatever it says on the bottle. That is heated to the point where it will hurt if you touch it. 

You throw some leaves into that. Let them infuse. But not just any leaves. Specific leaves. Could you imagine cheese-plant tea? 

If you so wish, you can sweeten this mixture with more plant stuff. The desire for this plant stuff, however, in our not-so-distant past was desired to such an extent people’s liberties and lives were enslaved to its production.

Then, somewhere some weeks ago, a cow and had her tits squeezed. The juice nature intended for her children now go into a processor, then into a bottle, then into your fridge, and then into this mixture.

And then you sit down, probably with a plate of biscuits (or two) and put them all inside you.

So, anyone for a cuppa?

Disclaimer: I am fully aware of my rather weird relationship with tea. But it really is awesome.  I’ll probably write a poem about tea or something. Oh wait, I already have (shameless self-publicity) and you can read it here!  

At Last, I'm a Disney Princess

Unlike most homosexuals, I have never really identified or aspired to be a Disney Princess. Instead, rather the opposite. As a child, I can remember a slight obsession with Glenn Close’s Cruella De Vil, her gloriously camp fashion house, and the icy streak in her heart.

So, when I heard of this film called Frozen, I thought I wouldn’t be able to identify with either of the two characters, as they were both of royal descent.

But, boy, I was wrong.

Anna! You babe! Where have you been all of my life?

You’re flatulent, clumsy, a little bit alone, and terrified of the thought of the future! YOU ARE EVERYTHING I AM AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. If only you had been there in my childhood! However, it is not just Anna inside me; there is also a glimmer of the cynical Elsa in me. The ‘conceal, don’t feel’ vibe is something that particularly resonates with me.

When I watched it for the first, there were certain aural resonations with Phantom of the Opera (First Time in Forever, Reprise) and the Slipper and the Rose. It's Frozen’s ‘lead single’ Let it Go strikes a chord, here. Lyrically, there are references to the Slipper and the Rose’s Secret Kingdom, where the main characters seek refuge in a safe palace: be it imaginary in Slipper or a big ass carved icicle in Frozen.

In order to rate the latest addition against other classics, I found myself looking at the rather extensive Disney collection that has grown since childhood. And I have noticed a sad trend: Lady and the Tramp 2, Jungle Book 2, Beauty and the Beast 2, Lion King 1 ½ all dwindle below the ‘satisfactory’ mark . I know it’s a bit inevitable but I do hope Disney don’t ruin Frozen by making a (probably direct-to-DVD) sequel. Though, if there is a sequel, I hope it is Christophe and Sven running off to have a inter-species homosexual affair, thus making Elsa go bat-shit crazy because Anna goes on the rebound with Hans (or one of his brothers)*.

(Reader beware: Spoilers henceforth.)

Part of me (a good thirty seven per cent) wants me to criticise the ‘power of love’ ending. After all, I slaughtered Doctor Who’s Closing Time for this exact reason (And I stand by my point that a cyber army cannot be destroyed because James Cordon loves his son) but, for some reason, Disney makes it work. I had to keep reminding myself this is a movie for children, but I couldn’t help feeling the team knew it would be a hit with the gays. C’mon, I have never seen the levels of sass when Elsa declares ‘the cold never bothered [her] anyway’ are without comparison.

I end on this note:

Thank you Disney. I can finally say I am a Princess. And I feel awesome.

             *Note to Disney: If you do this, I want a cut of the profits.

ITV is the Root of all Evil

To use a horrid cliché, this feels like I’m burning bridges before I’ve already made them. But, hey Big ITV Bosses, if you want to be awesome, employ me.

I hate ITV. 

Everything about it. If you are unfortunate enough to be subjected to my tweetings, this will come as no surprise to you. I often rant about it without reason and I just come across as being quite a grumpy chap. But I’m not. (Or, if I am, I’m probably watching ITV.)

I think it’s time to justify my hatred. And how better than in an itemised list.

Without ITV, these things wouldn’t exist or be popular. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

*

Things I don’t like about ITV:

1. Advertisement and Sponsorship

I’m sick of watching a program or film and it being interrupted by a showcase of poorly acted and patronising propaganda. Even the once novel ‘meerkats’ have lost their touch and I’m nostalgic for days of old.

I understand this how they make money. But they’re selling their soul. Greed should not override quality programming. Which it obviously does. How else would you explain those tedious local news items?

2    2. This Morning

Could you imagine if the Daily Mail was televised? Oh wait. It is. Cue overly cheery This Morning titles followed by your-best-pals Holly and Phil?

3    3.  Simon Cowell

I’m not a religious kind of chap, but I do believe the devil exists. Oh yes. And he takes the form of a bad bouffanted, sunglasses sporting, extreme v-neck wearing ‘music mogul’.

The man who has ‘revolutionised’ Saturday night television is relied upon solely because ITV can’t imagine life without him. (Actually, they can. And that was called Splash…) He is a pantomime villain who is driven only by his own greed.

Also, he put Piers Morgan on a panel to judge talent. 

4 

   4.  Constructed Reality, Acted Poorly Television (Aka CRAP TV)*

In this section, I direct all of my anger towards TOWIE…

ITV 2’s demographic are 16-34 year old females. Girls towards the younger end of this age bracket are very impressionable and going through some very distressing changes. On a moral stance, I do not think it is appropriate to present ‘normal and real life’ as a group of fame hungry idiots who think it is more acceptable to have a glittery fanny than a decent set of GCSEs.

What did pubic hair ever do to you, Amy? Why do you hate it? As you (and by you, I mean your management) are a fan of social media, may I be so bold to suggest kicking off the ‘EmbraceTheBush’ hashtag to allow girls to accept their bodies during the traumatic changes puberty brings? To let them know that being a Barbie doll is neither perfect nor normal?

And on that note, I shall take off my feminist hat and sign off this blog post. Because, frankly, I’m scared of where my mind will take me. I've already had to google ‘vajazzle’... 

*  I am so proud of this acronym. 

Reasons Why I am A Terrible Human (And a Promise. Stick around for that)

Right. People. Let’s be honest.

I’m not a very good human. In fact, I’m probably terrible.

And this is why:

Every so often, in this strange wilderness known as “real life”, I find myself saying ‘Yeah, I have a blog’.

This then leads to an incredibly awkward conversation that goes a bit like this:

            ‘Oh, so what do you write?’

            ‘All kinds of things really. A bit of poetry. A bit of fan fiction. Just occasional stuff. Autobiographical bits. You know, that kind of stuff...’

            ‘That sounds good! How often do you post?’

And this is when I have to shut up.

Because (this may have escaped your attention, but if not… I'll say it aloud) I hardly ever post.

I have said so many times in this blog that I’ll try harder to post and I've even set myself challenges (ie, the three poems in a month that I did about a year ago) just to inspire myself into writing and getting it online.

But it hardly ever works. 

Please know I do write. I just hardly ever upload. This is because my blog was hacked about six months ago and that got to me a bit. I’ve been slightly scared about blogging since. Which is odd. 

But never mind…

Because ladies and gentlemen, for the umpteenth – I RETURN.

Sort of like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Over and over again. 

I adore this blog. I absolutely do. And it upsets me that I’m not more committed to it.

So, right now. Here. I promise that I will write and upload a blog EVERY WEEK FOR THE NEXT YEAR.

Okay. Now I’ve said it. I’ve made the commitment.

Thanks for reading and stick around.

Change’s a coming.