No Man’s Planet: Part One

“The Fall of Andromeda Seven”

“Hello and welcome to Andromeda Seven. Here, you can experience life as if you were part of the First World Society on Old Earth. You may experience fine delicacies such as soup, Cornwall, and carrots. We have a vast array of authentic settings in each region, where you can explore the arts of ancient surgery, public dining and Twitter.

We encourage visitors to remember this planet of historic fiction, and therefore all the wars depicted here are also fiction also. Andromeda Seven is a place of peace. And we share that peace to our visitors and residents. We are neutral territory and ask the equally respected factions to exclude us from the battlefield.”

*

            “Andromeda Seven isn’t a place of peace any more, soldier.” The Officer said.

The Soldier found himself with a ready loaded gun in his hand. This was the inevitable day he had dreaded for so long.

“They’re coming. And they’re not going to give up.”

            “But why are they coming here?” He said.  The Officer was walking at a pace so quickly he was stumbling over himself to keep up.

            “We are in the Central Zone. Listed as a No Man’s Planet. Whichever side claims us, claims an advantage: turn us into an artillery factory, breeding ground, whatever. We have to remain independent. We have to fight back.”

            “With bullets? I’m sorry ma’am but this weaponry is ancient.”

            “It’s all we have to fight against them. The guns, the bullets, and hope.”

            “What about President Thatcher?”

           

            “Political revolution. His authority is not recognised anymore. Not since his government lost Andromeda Five.’

A General entered, declaring with a calm but urgent voice that They were here. He had sweat on his brow and a tear on his cheek but the two were so well matched it was hardly noticeable.

He wiped his face with his cuff. The Soldier followed the Officer’s lead and closed his visor.

The three stepped out of the door and began firing.

An Amusing Musing... On Tea...

Things are rather quite weird when you come to think of it, aren’t they?

Let’s take tea for example.

People love it, people crave it, people are addicted to it.

But narrow it down and what do you have?

You pick a mug. People are funny when it comes to mugs. Some prefer a hefty candidate. Others prefer dainty little teacup, which a nice pattern and a specially sculpted handle. But everyone has a favourite.

You add the water. Probably recycled. Been through more people you care to think about.  If not, then it has spent it’s entire life trickling down a mountain or whatever it says on the bottle. That is heated to the point where it will hurt if you touch it. 

You throw some leaves into that. Let them infuse. But not just any leaves. Specific leaves. Could you imagine cheese-plant tea? 

If you so wish, you can sweeten this mixture with more plant stuff. The desire for this plant stuff, however, in our not-so-distant past was desired to such an extent people’s liberties and lives were enslaved to its production.

Then, somewhere some weeks ago, a cow and had her tits squeezed. The juice nature intended for her children now go into a processor, then into a bottle, then into your fridge, and then into this mixture.

And then you sit down, probably with a plate of biscuits (or two) and put them all inside you.

So, anyone for a cuppa?

Disclaimer: I am fully aware of my rather weird relationship with tea. But it really is awesome.  I’ll probably write a poem about tea or something. Oh wait, I already have (shameless self-publicity) and you can read it here!  

At Last, I'm a Disney Princess

Unlike most homosexuals, I have never really identified or aspired to be a Disney Princess. Instead, rather the opposite. As a child, I can remember a slight obsession with Glenn Close’s Cruella De Vil, her gloriously camp fashion house, and the icy streak in her heart.

So, when I heard of this film called Frozen, I thought I wouldn’t be able to identify with either of the two characters, as they were both of royal descent.

But, boy, I was wrong.

Anna! You babe! Where have you been all of my life?

You’re flatulent, clumsy, a little bit alone, and terrified of the thought of the future! YOU ARE EVERYTHING I AM AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. If only you had been there in my childhood! However, it is not just Anna inside me; there is also a glimmer of the cynical Elsa in me. The ‘conceal, don’t feel’ vibe is something that particularly resonates with me.

When I watched it for the first, there were certain aural resonations with Phantom of the Opera (First Time in Forever, Reprise) and the Slipper and the Rose. It's Frozen’s ‘lead single’ Let it Go strikes a chord, here. Lyrically, there are references to the Slipper and the Rose’s Secret Kingdom, where the main characters seek refuge in a safe palace: be it imaginary in Slipper or a big ass carved icicle in Frozen.

In order to rate the latest addition against other classics, I found myself looking at the rather extensive Disney collection that has grown since childhood. And I have noticed a sad trend: Lady and the Tramp 2, Jungle Book 2, Beauty and the Beast 2, Lion King 1 ½ all dwindle below the ‘satisfactory’ mark . I know it’s a bit inevitable but I do hope Disney don’t ruin Frozen by making a (probably direct-to-DVD) sequel. Though, if there is a sequel, I hope it is Christophe and Sven running off to have a inter-species homosexual affair, thus making Elsa go bat-shit crazy because Anna goes on the rebound with Hans (or one of his brothers)*.

(Reader beware: Spoilers henceforth.)

Part of me (a good thirty seven per cent) wants me to criticise the ‘power of love’ ending. After all, I slaughtered Doctor Who’s Closing Time for this exact reason (And I stand by my point that a cyber army cannot be destroyed because James Cordon loves his son) but, for some reason, Disney makes it work. I had to keep reminding myself this is a movie for children, but I couldn’t help feeling the team knew it would be a hit with the gays. C’mon, I have never seen the levels of sass when Elsa declares ‘the cold never bothered [her] anyway’ are without comparison.

I end on this note:

Thank you Disney. I can finally say I am a Princess. And I feel awesome.

             *Note to Disney: If you do this, I want a cut of the profits.